11 Famous Rabbits Who Really Need To Knock It Off

It's Easter, folks. Time for any self-respecting animal blog to cobble together a list about rabbits. (It's either that or some arbitrary list about Marshmallow Peeps, so count your blessings.) Below we list 11 beloved bunnies who are about to get on our last nerve. Listen up, rabbits-- Just because it's Easter doesn't mean your pellets don't stink. We're calling you out in 11 Famous Rabbits Who Really Need To Knock It Off.

11. The Nesquik Bunny



I don't care if you call him The Quik Bunny or the Nesquik Bunny. I call him the Captain Joseph Hazelwood of childhood obesity, leaving in his wake an Exxon Valdez-sized slick of fat kids on the surface of America. Hey Nesquik Bunny, why not just call it "Milk Sugar"?

10. Rabbit From "Winnie The Pooh"



Why is ultra-fussy Rabbit so worried about "unbouncing" Tigger? Sounds like a closeted gay guy who works in one of those "We'll Un-Gay Ya" programs. Rabbit, people can't change who they are. Why not come out of the hutch? You'd be surprised how accepting the Hundred Acre Wood can be of alternative lifestyles.



9. The Trix Rabbit

How many times have the laughing children chided, "Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids." Seriously, HOW MANY TIMES? Do we have to spell it out for you? You are creepy. THEY DO NOT WANT YOU AROUND. You are the Jackie Earl Haley in Little Children of the fictional-cereal-commercial neighborhood. Listen, Trix Rabbit: Here's a kitchen knife. There's a swingset. For once in your life, take the hint.

8. The Rabbits of Watership Down



Hey, Watership Down rabbits. You're a cartoon. Why don't you try to be funny or something. You know, before you ruin another childhood with your doom and gloom. Maybe that crap flies in England, but over here in America, we prefer our bunny rabbits to not prompt thoughts of suicide.

7. Brer Rabbit





Tell me, Brer Rabbit, how does it feel to be Uncle Walt's house bunny in a post-Obama America? All those years of minstrelsy for the shareholders, only to be eventually made to sit in the back of the vault? We know, we know, what choice did you have? Hmm-- Retaining one's dignity seems to have been a popular choice for many people.

Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah's still a good song, though.

6. The Rabbit That Attacked Jimmy Carter




Hey, Rabbit That Attacked Jimmy Carter, why don't you lay off? Everybody's piling on ol' Jimbo these days. There've been worse presidents. He writes books! And poems! Why do you hate him so much? Are you Jewish?

5. Peter Rabbit



We don't even remember what this is. A book? A woodcutting? Why do we have fuzzy recollections of this from our childhood? Were we born in the 1890s? Is this a Somewhere In Time thing? Seriously, Peter Rabbit, you're weirding us out. Plus you smell like old people. Beat it.

4. Bugs Bunny



Ok, Bugs Bunny is awesome. But it gives us a chance to embed this.

3. The Rabbit Vibrator



Sure, Rabbit Vibrator, we'll admit it. We don't know how to please a woman. We don't understand how sex works. As a matter of fact, it sort of grosses us out. Fine. Good. That's all out in the open now. But we refuse to give in to you. Not you. You're too tiny, too cutesy. Some gigantic vibrator with some heft to it, some frightening sci-fi attachments-- fine. But not to you. You get out of our women's vaginas. Or off of their vaginas-- however it works. GET AWAY FROM THAT VAGINA! Oh, and Happy Easter.

2. The 2-Nosed Bunny





Ever since this two-nosed dwarf bunny was born in a Connecticut pet shop, he's had the world swooning. Really? Because the double-nose thing is more than likely due to inbreeding. And we refuse to participate in a celebration of inbreeding, just because the product of all the inbreeding is cute. Except when it comes to the Royal Family. That Prince Harry is dreamy.

1. The Easter Bunny



Wow, Easter Bunny, I guess you're all The Symbol Of Easter and shizz. Except for, you know, Jesus. You must really hate Jesus to try to take his holiday away from him. But here's the kicker-- we all know that the real symbol of Easter is an egg. An EGG! You got beat by something that comes out of a chicken's butt. Why don't you hippity-hop that fact around your brain a few times while you're frying in Hell.

Santa Claus brings presents-- what do you do? Hide eggs for the children? You know who else does that? THE CHILDREN THEMSELVES. And if you do bring presents, they have to fit in a basket. What a cheap bastard. Santa gives the kids everything they want that'll fit under a whole fricking TREE. So let's run down the list of everybody who's better than you-- Jesus, Santa, children, eggs. That pretty much runs the gamut. Take a hike.