11 Greatest People Who Can Talk To Animals

Animals are awesome. But when you talk to them, nothing. Blank stares. It's like they don't even care. Even more frustrating: Who can ever tell what animals are thinking? (Well, it probably has something to do with eating or going to the bathroom. Just a guess.)

But what if you could know for sure what your cat or dog or monkey was thinking? What if you could confide secrets to your horse, and your horse would go, "Hey, don't worry about it. Everybody experiments in high school." Wouldn't that make animals even awesomer? YES! Yes, it would. Just take a look at our list of 11 Greatest People Who Can Talk To Animals and see for yourself. Some of them aren't even fictional.


11. Cesar Millan, "The Dog Whisperer"

New American citizen and Obama critic Cesar Millan has been making startling shushy/nasal-passages-clearingy noises at dogs on the National Geographic Channel's The Dog Whisperer since September 2004. Here, he robs all the joy from a border collie's walks.


10. Mark Wahlberg



"Mark Wahlberg Talks To Animals" was a great sketch! Now, here comes the awkward follow-up with the mandatory appearance by the parodied celebrity.





9. Eliza Thornberry



What a life young Eliza Thornberry leads! Adventures, near-death scrapes, wild animals, power-bestowing African shamans. Honestly, she should probably be taken away from her child-endangering family and placed in some sort of foster home. But let's see Child Services catch Sir Nigel speeding his comvee through a jungle! Eat it, Child Services.

8. Dr. Dolittle (Boring Version)



Watch 'til the end for Rex Harrison's recap of what the trailer just spent two minutes telling us: Dude talks to animals. At the end, who looks more miserable-- Rex Harrison or the monkey?

7. Dr. Dolittle (Poop Jokes Version)



Please don't watch what we just posted.

6. Penelope, Princess of Pets



If you, like us, prefer your animal-talkin' with 100% more Kristen Schaal, then this one's for you. In fact, there's a whole series of these that are equally amazing.

5. This Chick Dave Hill Interviews



Sorry about your maiming, Dave Hill. Sorry about your interview with Dave Hill, Cynthia Fellowes.

4. Sonya Fitzpatrick, "The Pet Psychic"



What happened to Sonya Fitzpatrick? She was all over the place a few years ago, had her own show on Animal Planet. Now she's doing guest spots on Groomer Has It. At least she lost the Gozer haircut.




3. Aquaman



Fish count as animals, right? Talking to fish would be okay, but talking to Aqualad all day would get old quick.

Below, Dave Chapelle on Dr. Katz does a great Aquaman-talks-to-fish bit.



2. The Horse Whisperer



We were going to put up an actual clip from the Robert Redford movie, but we've already posted something from the original Dr. Dolittle, and we didn't want to bore you further, so we'll stick with this illegally-posted YouTube Simpsons clip. If you want to watch a video of Redford's loosening, craggy skin sagging off his face like tanned, melting butter, you'll have to find it on your time.

1. The Lennon Sisters



Okay, granted, The Lawrence Welk Show's Lennon Sisters don't really talk to the animals. They tease, they flirt, they mock with their schoolgirl outfits and their come-hither pout-singing and their cruel go-away finger wags. Oh, Lennon Sisters, you drive us mad. We can only imagine how the animals react. Or, worse, Lawrence Welk, with his Old World concepts of womanhood and early-20th century rules governing sexuality-- he must go home every night, bewildered and erect.

BONUS! Roger Moore also talks to animals.



Well, puppet animals.