Fat Kitty Stuck In Door: Cute Cat Video, Or Wake-Up Call To America?

Sure, you could enjoy this video of an adorably husky feline who gets wedged in a cat door strictly for what it is: today's cute kitty video, ready to be cooed over, giggled at, and forwarded to your mom. But we're asking you, America, nay, begging you, to look at this YouTube clip and see yourselves-- swollen, massive, perilously close to toppling over from a coronary, winded from taking a shit, and now, the final, warning, stuck in an effing door. Now, we realize this is America we're talking to, and if you actually became stuck in a door, your first instinct would be to sue the door, then blow your settlement at Outback. We're asking you to pursue a different course of action. America: Take the stairs. Hit the gym. Do some squats. Don't continue to cement your arteries shut with lard and taffy. Seriously, how do you think this will end? You think China is fat? When they come to cash in our debt, there will be no poorhouses big enough for our fat asses. We'll have to live in open fields, like broke cattle.

We like to think that the cat above, after desperately clawing at the mat for leverage and finally unwedging itself, promptly started eating better, exercising, and meditating. Six months later, we can envision that cat looking better in a bikini than Valerie Bertinelli. We're dreamers, sure. Optimists. But America, if we start now, America... that svelte, beautiful bikini cat? It can be you.