6 Strangest Animal Rescues Of The Week

We've seen bankers rescue ducks. We've seen Human Giant rescue a deer. But we've never seen this many animal-rescue stories coming one right after the other. Is frequent animal rescue a sign of the impending 2012 apocalypse? Are animals getting dumber? People getting rescuier? Here's our list of the Six Strangest Animal Rescues Of The Week. We'll keep rescuing you, animals, because you rescue us right back. Then you watch "Pretty Woman" with us. Animals love Garry Marshall!

6. Puppy Survives Flush Down Toilet
I believe this kid when he says he was only trying to give the puppy a bath. Children often don't understand difficult concepts such as "toilets" or "murder." And in his defense, many animals get baths every night.

5. Raccoons Rescued From Vending Machine
This story has everything! Raccoons! Vending Machine! Rescues! A guy named "The Skunk Whisperer"! Okay, this story doesn't have everything-everything, because there are no skunks. Chekhov famously stated, "If you introduce a guy named 'The Skunk Whisperer' in a YouTube embed, then skunks must be whispered to by video's end." That's the Chekhov's Skunk rule of drama. We went to community college.




4. Cop Saves Ducklings From Storm Drain
Buzzfeed pointed us to this story, in which a St. Louis cop named Eileen Emiddio saved 12 baby ducks from death by storm drain and presented them back to their mother, who was waiting patiently nearby. This didn't get as much much press as the Spokane banker who can't seem to stop rescuing ducklings, but cops aren't that great at PR. That's why we only hear about them beating minorities. Cops are probably rescuing ducks all the time.


3. Terrifying Gorilla With A Knife Rescued From Becoming Killer Terrifying Gorilla With A Knife
Somebody at the Calgary Zoo dropped a knife in the gorilla enclosure. The gorilla picked it up and pointed it at another gorilla and held it the way a gorilla would hold a knife before embarking on a national killing spree. Then he lost interest and zookeepers retrieved the soon-to-be murder weapon. Oh, Canadian zoos. You're so cute with your gorilla knives! In America, we would have dropped a glock into the gorilla pit and blamed the ensuing carnage on Marilyn Manson.


2. Rabbits Rescued From Crazy Rabbit Woman, Then Rescued Again, Then Re-Rescued, And So On, And So On...
Videogum points us to this amazing story of one woman's love of bunnies. Not natural, wholesome love, but more like the "love" one finds in Single White Female or date rape or the Bates Motel. THE BATES MOTEL FOR RABBITS!



1. Kitten In A Mailbox
This eight-week old kitten was found inside a Boston street corner mailbox last week. She was taken to an animal shelter and nicknamed "Postina." How much does it cost to mail a kitten? Somewhere in the neighborhood of we-oughtta-kick-your-ass dollars and you-kitten-abusing-son-of-a-b*tch cents. But seriously, it depends on weight and packaging.



If you like this list, try these lists on for size:
10 Weirdest Animals Of The Week: Stoned Dogs, Bird Attacks, Cats Who Knock
Winged Cats, Angry Sheep, Bo Obama: The 8 Most Terrifying Animals Of The Week
7 Cats On Twitter With More Followers Than You
Squirrel Jam: 12 Songs About Squirrels